Managing Anger for “Good!”

2 Men, 2 Reactions

Nelson Mandela walked free from Robin Island after months of intense negotiations with F.W. De Clerk. Both men had far more reasons to mistrust one another than to believe the other could be relied upon. Yet as they embarked on a process of developing mutual respect and trust, the man with the greatest reasons for anger, resentment, and bitterness, emerged as a genuine statesman; respected and admired by all world leaders. What Mandela achieved within himself during his imprisonment empowered him to bring healing, reconciliation, and hope, to the entire nation. He had dealt with anger in the most positive and constructive manner.

Hostile Anger

Passive Anger

• Moodiness
• Tense body language
• Withdrawal
• Atmospheric silences
• Withholding affection

It is silent and non-violent. Those who hold this emotion avoid confronting those responsible, choosing instead, to brood in self-pity, building resentments around their pain, which is often genuine but needs expression and release.

The substitute for confrontation is often gossip. Suppose a report gets rejected for lacking creative proposals. The criticism might be unreasonable or simply communicated in a curt manner. Whatever the rights or wrongs, we initially feel disappointed, perhaps demotivated, and possibly angry, with good cause. The challenge is what to do about it.

If we waste energy complaining to those not responsible, or time in following prolonged periods of sulking inactivity, we have clearly indulged in passive aggression. It renders us ineffectual. I watched a highly capable but undisciplined subordinate, eat an entire packet of chocolate biscuits in sullen silence immediately after addressing his failure to meet specific objectives within agreed target dates. He was angry with himself for failing and with me for pointing this out. His parents, apparently, had always discouraged emotional expression; he was trained to express his anger passively.

Unexpressed anger festers, ultimately turning into bitterness and resentment. It is relationally destructive, professionally damaging, and ruins effective teamwork. Intolerance is another indicator, usually expressing itself in censoriousness and strongly disapproving remarks. Prejudices are often a way in which passive anger finds a route to the surface.

Not all, but many cases of depression are attributable to repressed anger. In extreme cases this can have devastating consequences. Fortunately, once the cause is uncovered, there is help available.

Common Causes in the Workplace

Frustrated Plans
We rarely get our own way in negotiations. The principle for success is to enter negotiations determined to achieve a win-win result. Nobody should lose face, or feel humiliated, everyone must come away with something, and all parties concede some of their opening position. However, if our reaction to being told we cannot possibly have all we ask for is to display our frustration, or withdraw from the discussions, we have allowed anger to cloud our judgement and block our progress. We have effectively created a lose-lose situation. Becoming angry when we fail to get our own way is simply an expression of profound selfishness. It is extremely immature behaviour.

Frustrated Plans
We rarely get our own way in negotiations. The principle for success is to enter negotiations determined to achieve a win-win result. Nobody should lose face, or feel humiliated, everyone must come away with something, and all parties concede some of their opening position. However, if our reaction to being told we cannot possibly have all we ask for is to display our frustration, or withdraw from the discussions, we have allowed anger to cloud our judgement and block our progress. We have effectively created a lose-lose situation. Becoming angry when we fail to get our own way is simply an expression of profound selfishness. It is extremely immature behaviour.

Unmet Expectations

A lot of the anger we experience is rooted in the pain and disappointment we feel when our expectations fail to be met. A new colleague failing to fulfil your expectations may require a calm and reasonable appraisal of their performance and behaviours. Failure to deal with the issues will eventually lead to an unhelpful outburst. The longer the disappointment lingers, the greater the frustration, and the deeper the well of resentment that results.

First, our unmet expectations must be acknowledged, reappraised, and adjusted. The corrections and confrontations can then be handled appropriately.

Being our own slave-driver
Corporate deadlines, performance benchmarks, market share projections, and profit forecasts are enough to worry about! However, if personal targets are too demanding the result will be a profound sense of failure. This can easily lead to a loss of proportion where projects itself onto the smallest failing in others. Honest appraisal of our feelings will be required to overcome this self-condemning attitude.

Jealousy
Being missed off a circulation list, or not consulted, creates understandable annoyance. Left unresolved this is likely to leave one suspicious of others. Their conversations become potentially threatening and everything begins to be tinged with mistrust. Feeling excluded or overlooked produces jealousy, which in turn may lead to residual anger.

Steps in managing anger

If we are going to manage our anger, we must learn to change our thinking from the subjective ‘stories we tell ourselves’, to the objective discernment of ‘fact from fiction!’ We need to change

from a negative viewpoint to a positive mindset, and from assuming the role of victim to desiring to become a victor.

1. Pause
If anger is influencing our behaviour, or attitudes, we need to take time out to answer some questions.

• Is this feeling justified?
• Has it another source: unmet expectations, jealousy, or frustration?
• Am I feeling bad about myself?

We may need to talk it through with a close friend, or our partner. Preferably someone not involved directly, or with prejudicial views formed by our earlier complaints.

Write down exactly what caused the anger, and the range of feelings accompanying it. Remember to destroy this document once a satisfactory conclusion has been reached. It is also advisable to keep it at home.

2. Reflect

• Who are you angry with?
• When did this start?
• What specific issues gave rise to these feelings?
• How often and how easily does this occur?
• Why do you believe this has happened?
• Are your feelings entirely appropriate, or perhaps excessive?
• What result would resolve the feelings?

Angry people see the offence and feel the hurt. The object of reflection is to gain perspective. We need to take our own behaviour into account while putting ourselves into the shoes of the responsible party. That is not to excuse the inexcusable, nor to blame ourselves if we are genuinely blameless. It is, however, to reflect maturely because what we want is not revenge but closure.

3. Management

To manage anger we must first manage our thinking. Internal pain projects our attention onto the cause. This is a powerful and basic survival instinct. Anger is a protective measure that heightens awareness of our environment, sharpens our senses and discernment to spot potential threats, and empowers us with aggression for self-defence. We therefore need to take control of our thought patterns without denying the legitimacy of our feelings. Remember, anger is morally neutral. The issue is how we express it.

Feelings of anger do not subside simply by choosing to control one’s thoughts. To expect that would be unreasonable. As we control the extent and expression of our anger it becomes ours to manage and process. We then start to acquire a habit of self-control and anger management.

4. Grow

Having gained control of our thinking, we can constructively deal with the issues. Confrontation can now take place without becoming a series of hostile accusations. It can be tactful, discreet, persuasive and undemanding. None of these require us to compromise but they do enable us to set out to win the person, not the argument. Our goal should be complete forgiveness and reconciliation.

Confrontation may not be possible if the issue involves an organisation, for example. I can however, seek to make them accountable. In setting out to win the other party, or promote best practices within organisations, we are growing. Our focus has moved from our pain to the good of others. We are seeking correction, not revenge. We are aiming to be supportive, not destructive. The anger has become positive, useful, and a means of personal growth. We have overcome a common barrier to maturity and employed it to attain greater maturity.

You cannot change that which you don’t acknowledge. Own up to and accept that you have a problem managing anger and this poor management is impeding your success.

Step 2: Be honest with those who are close.

As you participate in a personal anger management program, tell those close to you about the changes you are trying to make. Elicit their honesty and support during your journey to freedom.

Step 3: Take an anger inventory of yourself.
Take a searching and fearless anger inventory of yourself. Admit to an appropriate other person the nature and scope of your anger and those who have been hurt (including yourself) as a result of your angry outbursts.

Step 4: Maintain an “Anger Log” (see separate Anger Log sheet).

Use the Anger log to monitor your anger triggers, their frequency and your responses. When you know what makes you angry, you will be better placed to develop strategies to manage it or channel it more effectively.

Step 5: Develop anger management techniques to break the anger cycle.

• Pause
• Take slow deep breaths, release the negative energy during the exhale
• Speak truth to yourself (e.g., “I can choose my response here”)
• Release the negative thoughts as lies (e.g. “here I go again, I have failed!”)
• Relax; does your life depend on this? If not get it in perspective!

Step 6: Walk in their shoes.

If someone else is the focus of your anger, walk in their shoes a short way till you understand the situation from their point of view. Remember: no-one is perfect, not even you; mistakes are an excellent opportunity to learn!

Step 7: Become a better listener.
Take time to develop the art of listening. Listen first to what you are telling yourself, listening also for the feelings behind the words of the person who is the focus of your anger. The better you listen to what a person is saying, the better able you will be to find a resolution that does not involve an angry reaction.

Step 8: Become trusting and trustworthy.
Do not automatically assume others are ‘out to get you’, that they are going to do something on purpose to annoy, frustrate or impede you. If you become more trusting of people you will be less likely to become angry with them when something does go wrong. In doing so and becoming more predictable in your behaviour (not becoming angry at the slightest provocation) others will see you as more trustworthy and treat you accordingly.

Step 9: Learn to forgive (see additional article; The Forgiveness Pathway™)

An inability to forgive taints a person’s view of life. Through growing resentment, suspicion and bitterness, enjoyment of life is distorted, personal development inhibited, relationships become fragile; and even physical illness may result. The mature person aims to be free of such restraints induced by past experiences, so they can live in the present and for the future. Forgiveness is the most powerful response to any sense of injustice. Forgiveness acts as a starting point for reconciliation; once released and received, it produces healing in both parties.

Step 10: Be prepared to apologise (see additional article; The Forgiveness Pathway™)

Make a list of all the persons you have harmed with your anger and become willing to make amends to all of them. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Having decided you need to apologise, do so wholeheartedly and with humility. It is important to apologise to a person directly and not through a third party. You can do this in writing or by phone if they are at a distance. Wherever possible, however, it is best done in person, face to face. This allows you to communicate not only the words but the tone and the body language, all of which will help towards reconciliation and personal freedom.

Avoid being half-hearted and diluting the message. Take care not to present conditions i.e.,” If I hurt you then I am sorry….”, or to project, “I am sorry if you interpreted….” Come out with it, “I am sorry that I….” the message is clear, your guilt and anger will dissipate, and the receiver’s heart will begin to heal, laying the foundation for reconciliation.

Apologising to & Forgiving Yourself
During the examination process, you may discover that a) you have been particularly hard on yourself over a situation, and that you need to let yourself off the hook, by forgiving yourself. Likewise b) whilst being honest with yourself you may have identified certain behaviours which have caused you to let yourself down, and which you are not particularly proud of. You may have to apologise to yourself, forgive yourself, and move on.