Introduction
We live in an age obsessed with performance, productivity, and persuasion. But if you scratch beneath the surface of most leadership breakdowns, you’ll find something deeper: a failure to connect.
That connection doesn’t come from charisma or competence. It comes from meeting three fundamental human needs in others.
I call them the Three S’s:
– Security
– Significance
– Self-Worth
Whether you’re a leader, a coach, or a trusted adviser, understanding and honouring these needs will transform how others experience you—and how deeply they trust you.
Security looks different to each person. For some, it’s wealth. For others, it’s control. But both can vanish quickly. The global pandemic reminded us how fragile our sense of control really is—leaders lost businesses, professionals were furloughed, families were separated. All the systems we trusted were suddenly uncertain.
Some people seek security in control. Think of a high-performing executive who micromanages every aspect of their team—not because they don’t trust others, but because they’re terrified of failure. Beneath control is often fear. And where fear leads, trust disappears.
So what truly gives us a sense of security?
It’s not power, position, or planning—it’s unconditional acceptance. It’s knowing we are safe in a relationship, not for our output but for who we are. That doesn’t mean sentimentality. It means holding the intention of the other person’s good, even at cost to ourselves.
When someone senses that your agenda includes their wellbeing, their guard lowers. Trust grows. Rapport becomes real.
We all want to know that we matter.
Job titles, blue ticks, and follower counts offer temporary significance—but take them away and the illusion crumbles. Just ask any tech leader suddenly ousted from their company, or a once-celebrated athlete now navigating life off the podium.
I once worked with a woman in her thirties. On the surface, she had everything: a young family, a career, stability. But inside, she felt invisible—doing everything for everyone and feeling appreciated by no one. Her depression wasn’t just exhaustion. It was a starvation of significance.
The origin traced back to childhood—early emotional neglect and a belief that she didn’t matter. That belief filtered every experience.
You couldn’t possibly know all this history when trying to build rapport with someone like her—but you can avoid triggering it by following one key principle:
Leave others feeling important.
Help people hold on to their sense of value. Often, this simply requires full attention, empathy, and affirmation.
Self-worth is deeper than significance. Significance is about what we do. Self-worth is about who we are.
In recent years, we’ve seen public figures fall hard—not because they lost their audience, but because they lost their anchor. Think of the emotional turmoil faced by leaders like Jacinda Ardern, who stepped down from the highest political office in New Zealand—not out of scandal, but depletion.
We don’t just want to be useful—we want to be valued. And valued not just for our performance, but for our presence.
To build rapport, show others they matter even when they’re not ‘delivering.’ It’s choosing to listen before giving advice. It’s acknowledging their perspective before pitching yours.
One powerful truth:
When people feel understood, they become more open to understanding you.
Why This Matters in Leadership
In our Trusted Adviser workshops, we often simulate real coaching conversations. Afterward, I ask one simple question:
“Did the adviser make you feel loved, important, and valued?”
Too often, the answer is no.
This isn’t just about empathy, it’s about effectiveness. You can’t lead people if you don’t connect with them. You can’t build trust if they don’t feel safe, seen, and significant in your presence.
The 3 Crucial Needs
